I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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