we made out on top of his cat.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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