I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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