Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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