the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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