His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
