So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
