why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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