Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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