i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
