I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
