The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
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