I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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