I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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