i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
