Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
