i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Randomize
