proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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