I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
