Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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