u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
