she kept yelling 'call me bella'
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
