so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
