she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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