Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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