I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
