Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
