got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
