I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
