saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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