The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
