wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
God I need to hump something, right now.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
