even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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