I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You took a bar mat shot.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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