Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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