Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Someone signed my nipple.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
