I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
