sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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