i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
