Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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