So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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