I hate your face
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize