the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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