He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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