I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
