WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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