corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
