Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
