Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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