At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
40s are totally the cure
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I FOUND THE LEGS
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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