are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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