my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
He has the fingertips of a God
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
