i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
