Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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