I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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