My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
