Taylor Swift is so right about you.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
