Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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