she was so not down for the gang bang
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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