Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
