Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I will be naked everywhere
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
